


I'm not used to this

by Morathi_Cain



Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [5]
Category: My Engineer (TV)
Genre: Backstory, Insecurities, King got more than he bargained for, King's POV, M/M, Meta, Realisation of feelings, but he doesn't dare to accept those feelings yet, except for his feelings for King, he can read Ram like an open book, taking care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:15:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24005734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morathi_Cain/pseuds/Morathi_Cain
Summary: I wrote a long meta post about King and the way he doesn't expect anything for his help and it inspired this little ficlet (it was supposed to be a drabble, but since it got longer than I had planned I'm posting it here).It's King's POV and a bit about his background story as I imagine it. Also about his feelings and the way his friendship with Ram is new and so different and confuses him.
Relationships: King/Ram (My Engineer)
Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708738
Comments: 16
Kudos: 202





	I'm not used to this

**Author's Note:**

> You can read the meta-post here: https://morathicain.tumblr.com/post/617111050669719552/king-headcanon
> 
> And now have fun! :)

I’m not used to this

„The person who understands me ... is you.“

King’s mind did a double flip and left him. Staring at Ram was his only option left, but it didn’t help either.

He had made his offer in the hope Ram would use the place, but he’d never expected to hear those words. For Ram to actually take him up on it. For Ram to give him such precious words. It made him freeze up. Freeze and stare, his heart rate doubled, tripled, his mind blank except for knowing this was special. A special moment, a special gift he’d just received. Several gifts, really.  
But his mind was still too shocked to give Ram a proper response.

And so he rambled and gave Ram an awkward pat to the shoulder, screaming at himself the whole time what the hell he was doing.

But Ram’s smile stayed the whole time and somehow that made it all well.

Except for the confusion. The confusion stayed and King wasn’t sure where his mind had gone.

~~~

King was used to caring for people. He cared from the bottom of his heart and wanted to help. He’d grown up with a chatty sister and mother, his father a soft man. He’d grown up fascinated with plants and taking care, putting their urges first and his second.

Fast he’d realised he needed to draw a line when it came to caring for others. He didn’t want to stop, but he needed to make sure he wouldn’t be burnt out at some point. His sister had taught him to be quiet and keep to himself if everything got too much. And to go whenever he needed his own space.  
He loved her, he really did and that’s why he made sure to keep his distance and not let her in on his private life too much. It would get exhausting very fast otherwise.

He’d learnt his lesson.

But he still cared and wanted to help just for the sake of it. When people had tried giving something back like money or affection, it had always irritated him to no end. Why would anyone want to pay him for his care? Wasn’t it enough to accept it? Wasn’t it enough to just go on?

One time, when King had still been a child, running around and giving random people band-aids, his mother had wondered if he hadn’t spent too much time with his plants as a child, but his father had simply rolled his eyes and told her it was a good thing their son had grown up like this, side-eyeing King’s sister hard but affectionate.

King had gone out of the room to his own, secret space to tell his plants how stupid his parents were to talk about something like this and what the heck they even meant. With whom should he have grown up otherwise? Dogs? No, thank you.

Helping others out had always felt right for him. Just do what he can to make someone else’s day a little bit better. To make them a little bit happier if possible. And as long as he could draw back whenever it got too much for him, whenever people started getting on his nerves or tried to pry in his personal life. Plants didn’t do that, didn’t need him to spill everything as an exchange for anything. Which was probably why he loved telling them anyway.

Finding friends in high school and university, who were chaotic and loud, was perfect.   
He really liked them, but they also allowed him to be quiet and keep for himself. Bohn as being the most dramatic one would always be in trouble anyway, being so focused on himself he wouldn’t pester King too much and the same went for the rest. It was even amusing to watch them sometimes. To watch and see what others didn’t. 

Like the way, Mek looked at Boss and the way Bohn didn’t seem to see anyone until Duen punched him onto cloud 96. He wouldn’t interfere, not with those matters and not without asking, but he saw and observed and thought his own thoughts.

To think anyone could be as moved and brought to such dramatic actions as his friends did? King often wondered how this could be? How could you let someone come so close they were able to hurt you so much? What had to happen to make you yearn for someone like this? To not be able to stop those feelings?

Back as a teenager, he had tried having girlfriends a few times. Girls and boys who had mistaken his care and friendly behaviour had been plenty and before he’d put down rules for himself he’d gotten a lot of confessions. A few times he’d tried to start a relationship, keeping it all secret and private because he didn’t need anyone interfering with his feelings. He was just then finding out about love and feelings and what all this meant. For him, for others.

Nothing but stress, he had realised.  
Whether it was a girl or a boy, the relationships had been stressful to King. He’d cared as usual, maybe even a bit more, but it had never been enough. Suddenly it had been wrong to care for others as well, to be friendly and helpful. Relationships had started to become something like a business. He’d give and they would want more. Or they would want to give something else, but in a way which made him uncomfortable. Like a present or a blowjob, because yes, he’d been offered those. 

King never thought he should get something in return, but it always felt as if it was because of one specific action he’d done and he grew tired of it. He didn’t want this to feel like a trade-off and as if he had to do something now. As if he was expected to follow a certain script.

After an especially nasty moment in the middle of the school cafeteria over some unfounded jealousy, King had decided to let the whole relationship topic rest. And to be very careful with the way he treated others, what to expect, what to want and how close he should let others get before going away, drawing the line in the imaginary sand. 

It had worked for King surprisingly well. No relationship meant no stress, no pressure. He could still be helpful and caring, but without someone being jealous or expecting more and thinking of it as some kind of trade.

No, King was completely happy with the way it was. He observed enough drama in his friend’s lives anyway, not wishing for his own.

King was content with his little world. He really was.

At least until this little world got shaken to the core by Ram.

All he had wanted was to get to know this silent, mysterious, beautiful man who seemed so strong and shy at the same time. He’d only ever wanted to get behind the quiet mask, find out who this was.

The urge wasn’t unusual for King since he had an interest in plants and people who stood out. And this one was especially interesting, his urge to learn more about Ram getting stronger with every second they spent together.

He would have backed off if Ram had given him a clear signal, but the way King interpreted his body language, it wasn’t a „No“ at all. The looks he’d gotten, the blushes he’d observed, had made the urge grow as well as his joy at getting to know Ram.

Then he’d started helping Ram out with homework as he’d usually do with juniors. And he’d planned to go away once he was finished, keeping his distance even though he was the one seeking Ram out in the first place. But Ram had stopped him, his hand at King’s wrist and some intense message in his eyes. And King had let himself be dragged.

Some part of him had been afraid, knowing exactly they were stepping over a line, ignoring a rule he had sat for himself. But another part of him, which had finally won, had been giddy because it had been the first time Ram had actually interacted with him. Not just passively listening in, but communicating with him even without words and it had made King happy in some inexplicable way.

Maybe it was because Ram made such an effort? He didn’t want to destroy this, especially since he liked it. Ram communicating with him, trusting him. Ram’s wide eyes as he sent King the message about eating ginger. The way he instantly looked down again as soon as King had read it, a blush rapidly spreading across his skin. It struck something inside of King he rather wouldn’t want to think about. Not now anyway.

Promising himself he wouldn’t let this go any further than necessary, was easy. Keeping that promise wasn’t though.

Because suddenly Ram was everywhere.

Of course, he was, King reminded himself, being Duen’s friend and King’s junior. And still ... there he was, giving Ram a bottle of juice with shaky hands and wide, nervous eyes.

There he was, learning with other juniors, making King want to provoke him. Because provoking Ram to get him a bit more out of his shell was apparently something he really really liked now. 

There he was, staring at King as if he was searching for an answer to the universe, making King realise for the first time how close they were. How close Ram let him in. How close he let Ram in. How he was the one looking away first, his heartbeat in his throat, his hands shaking.

There he was, an umbrella in his hand like a knight to save King from the rain. And although King told him to go on and care for himself, he didn’t budge but accompanied King with such a quiet determination, the image burning itself in King’s memories forever.

There he was, giving King his first words. Making him giddy and excited, not believing what he had just heard, what had happened. It hadn’t been his goal, maybe a faint hope only, to be able to listen to this man speak once. And he did. If he could make those words into flowers, he would put them next to his pillow, on his desk, in his room, to keep them close.

There was no line anymore and somehow, slowly, Ram had sneaked into his personal space, was taking up more and more room, stirring his emotions more than most people had before. Even though King had tried to keep him out, not letting him in any further. 

But there he was with his precious, shy smile and his wide, nervous eyes, staring right into King’s soul. And he continued to care for King as if that was normal as if King could accept how Ram was trying to accompany him home, inviting him for dinner and gifting him all those beautiful words.

It wasn’t what King was used to. It wasn’t the way he had built his own world and he said no. At least sometimes. Other times he couldn’t. 

Because he couldn’t say ‘No’ to the dinner, enjoying Ram’s company and friendship way too much. And it was just a normal friendship, wasn’t it? And it was just a normal dinner between friends, giving him the opportunity to learn more about this fascinating man who didn’t speak with words, but was still so easy to read for King.

Maybe, some part of him asked, he had observed a bit too much? Had he learnt too many facts about him? But how could he stop himself after Ram saying he liked his gift and accepted his apology? How could he stop when Ram seemed so happy to keep the pencil and spend time with him? As he offered to accompany and protect King with this open, vulnerable smile, which made something tighten inside of King? He denied hoping desperately to redraw the line they’d already destroyed.

Deep inside, King knew, there was no stopping himself.

And for the first time for a while, he felt some kind of fear. Fear to lose himself, his friendship with Ram. To destroy everything again. To get his hopes up and crushed again. To let himself be cared for, just to feel the pressure again, to lose the light joy he was now feeling whenever Ram was close.

No, he reminded himself, remembering the shyness Ram had shown as King had asked about this girl, this was a good, beautiful friendship they had built for themselves. And this was the extent it would get. Because Ram was obviously in love with the girl, wasn’t he? Was there another reason for him to look away and at his food if he wasn’t? Was there another reason for Ram to avoid King’s eyes for several minutes after he had asked?

No, he reminded himself again, there could be no other reason and even though it made swallowing harder for a few minutes, his heart in a cruel twist, he could live with it. Because they had become friends, because their time together was always precious and because Ram chose to spend those moments with him instead of with his friends or his crush. And King knew how special this was, having seen how devoted Ram was to Duen.

So devoted in fact, he’d let himself be hit to protect Duen, to make sure it was serious between his best friend and Bohn. And he didn’t even have someone by his side afterwards to care for his wounds. 

Afterwards, King had felt worried as well as having the urge to be the one to soothe Ram’s pain and irritating envy when watching Ram flinch because of his wounds. Would there be someone to do the same for him? Any of his friends? He would never want someone to do this, but just to think someone would be up and ready to fight for him? And would Ram ever have enough room for another person like this in his heart?

King judged himself harshly for those thoughts, keeping them locked away because it was stupid and he didn’t have a right, didn’t even want to have this.

But now he knew. He knew who might have the same if not more room in Ram’s heart and the knowledge made something inside of him settle. There was no danger, all was well.

It was like a mantra and King believed it with every fibre of his being.

Until Ram told him those few precious words.   
Until Ram shocked him so much, he didn’t know any longer what to say and what to think.  
Until some part of him started to imagine, to hope. 

A small spark of wonder, getting even bigger when Ram grabbed his wrist, tried to tell him something with this urgency in his eyes, the pain visible in the way he spoke.

A small spark of wonder, growing bigger with every second he was thinking about Ram’s voice, his words, the way he had smiled at him. The way he had taken King up at the promise, had given him the precious gift of trusting him, telling him what King had never expected at all. The way he had accepted the flower, the way his fingers against Ram’s skin and hair had felt.

He kept thinking about all those moments because he simply could not not do it.  
Because not thinking about Ram suddenly made him anxious. As if he could miss something.  
Because this little spark of hope made him imagine how it could be and what might be, even though he didn’t dare to dream big. Yet.

To know King was the person he was trusting and who understood Ram made him hope.   
Hope there was still room left in Ram’s heart for King to squeeze in.  
Room enough for King to stay.

It was the first time in a long while, King wanted to stay so close to someone and for someone else to get closer to him.  
It was the first time in a long while, King wanted to care and be cared for, even though he wasn’t used to it.

It made him giddy and his heart race.  
And King hadn’t expected it at all.

the End

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know if you liked it ;)


End file.
